Monday, November 12, 2007

Feeling the need to vent...

OK, so after I posted that last blog I realized that I could not give the month of October total justice without the daycare story. I know some of you know it, but a lot of you do not. I am feeling the need to write and vent, so here it goes.

It all started like this. About a month ago, Parker bit a little boy in his class. We were very surprised when his teacher told us this b/c he had never bit before. They told us to work with him at home, which we agreed to do since we wanted to do whatever we could to prevent it from happening again. The problem is, since he does not generally bite at home, it is a little hard to work on the problem. We began talking to him about biting, and every day we would drop him off we would tell him to be good and not to bite his friends, etc. About 2 weeks after that incident, Parker got bit on the arm by another little boy. He did not bite the little boy back, so we were happy with that and thought that we were making progress. They did tell us that their policy was that if they broke the skin, they were automatically disenrolled from daycare-PERMANENTLY! The director told me it was a state mandated law, and I believed her. UNTIL- I found out from talking to some friends that it was not a state law, and just their own particular law. I confronted them about and they tried back pedaling their way out of it, and said that they would know before it got to that point with Parker, and it would probably become a recurring problem, and they would work on it and not let it go so far as to break the skin. They also reassured me that they did not feel like Parker was an agressive kid, and for me not to worry too much. I felt better about it, and every day that we would pick him up from school we would ask how he did and if he bit anyone. Every single day they would tell us "No, he did fine."

I started having a few other "issues" with his daycare in the midst of all of this. Once he moved up to his new class (18-24 months), they started sleeping on cots and they would not let him take his pacifier. Parker ONLY takese a paci when he sleeps, and is VERY reliant on it. Anyone that knows Parker, knows that if he does not get his nap- he is NOT a happy boy. They started telling me every day that he screamed and would not go down for a nap, and I kept telling him it was because of the pacifier. They would not budge on their "rule" which meant that every night Parker got home he was REALLY fussy b/c he was so tired. We obviously plan on weaning him from the paci one day, but at the age he is now his pacifier is his comfort, and he does not understand why he can not have it when he sleeps, and why they would not give it to him. I just had a real problem with that, but honestly did not know what I could do about it.

Well, flash forward to October 31st...Halloween. I put Parker in his cute little pumpkin shirt, dropped him of at daycare and waved bye-bye. I was so anxious to get done working, so that I could pick him up and we could get home to get ready for our Halloween party. Unfortunately, I got a call that morning from the director saying that their had been a "little incident." (little incident- her exact words). Come to find out, Parker had bit a little boy just minutes before and had broken his skin. I was in shock at first, and didn't even know what to say. She told me that she had put Parker in a crib so he could not "harm the other children," and that I needed to come get him. For good. I started crying on the phone, and the 1st thing I was concerened about was the other little boy and if he was OK. She said he was fine, and had calmed down by then. I next asked exactly what happened leading up to this event and she said "As far as they knew, they thought Parker just ran across the room and bit the kid on the face for no reason." As far as they knew??? Why did they not know for sure what happened??
To top this all of, as I am on the phone, crying, driving and trying to get to him as fast as possible , she springs something else on me. Here is approximately how the conversation went-
"We have another issue. We put Parker in time out after he bit the little boy, and he showed no remorse whatsover. He was more concerned with getting up to go play than he was for what he did or being in time out. Most kids his age cry in time out and feel sorry for what they did. Parker does not respond to time out, and we believe this might be a developmental problem. You probably need to call his doctor to talk to him about it. We feel like he is right on track developmentally with everything else. He follows directions, plays well with the other kids, has a good vocabulary, etc. But when it comes to time-out and discipline, he is not on track." This upset me even more, and by the time I got there to get him I was a mess. I didn't know what to say or what to ask. They just handed Parker to me, with 2 kroger sacks full of all of his stuff and told me "they were so sorry to do this, but the rules are the rules. Please keep in touch though." So, off Parker and I went...we left the daycare, for good.

OK- now here are my issue with all of this. I do not think that parker biting that little boy was right. I am in no way trying to justify his actions or make him sound like an innocent angel. I know biting can be a serious thing with kids his age, and I never wanted to be the mom that had the "biter." HOWEVER, I also know that biting at his age is an age appropriate thing. Sometimes that is the only way they know how to express themselves. Some kids pull hair, some kids hit, and some kids bite. This was only the 2nd time that Parker had EVER bit, and it also happened to be the time he broke the skin. I have come to find out that every daycare has a policy about biting (which they should), but none I have found so far have one as strict as this. I feel like they basically gave up on Parker and did not want to work with him. If he had been biting frequently, and I felt like they were trying to work with him and work with us on it, and they were just at their witts end with it, I would feel different. But, how is a 19 month old suppose to learn that it is wrong, if you do not take the time or the effort to work with them on it?

Secondly, I was very upset with the accusation that Parker had a developmental problem. I called his doctor once we got home, and talked to them for a long time. They could not believe everything that had gone on at his daycare, and were quite upset with the way they handled things. They reassured me that every child responds to discipline differently, and that it was not uncommon for time out to not work at his age. They also told me that they had never been concerned about Parker at any of his well appointments, and did not think this was a matter of developmental problems, rather a matter of figuring out what kind of discipline Parker responds to best. Not just when he bites, but when he misbehaves in general. This is something that Anthony and I are now making an effort at home to work on. I want to make sure that we are doing EVERYTHING in our power to help him to understand that it is not OK to bite, and for him to learn his boundaries and limitations.

Needless to say, it has been a huge emotional roller coaster. I think we have gone through every emotion in the book over this. I can not stop thinking about the little boy he bit, and how I wish that I knew who it was so I could call the mom and apologize. I hope and pray he is doing OK. I can not stop thinking about some of the things the director said to me on the phone, and how they handled things. I can not stop thinking about how they gave up on Parker and made me feel as if I had this evil child who just runs across the room biting kids for no reason whatsoever. I can not stop thinking about in general. There are still days that I can not believe that it even happened.

Anyone who reads this and has a child that has bitten before probably totally understands where I am coming from. You have a totally different view on biting once your child has bitten. Anyone who is reading this that has a child who does not bite, or has not bitten yet, is probably thinking "If my kid got bit at daycare and the skin was broken, I would want the biter kicked out also." Trust me- I have gotten all kinds of opinions throughout this. I will NEVER judge a mom or a kid because their kid is a biter after this incident, and I have a whole new outlook on it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I am just sharing mine. This is my child. He is not perfect, he bit 2 kids at his daycare, and sometimes he does not take you seriously when you tell him no. He is also a child who is loving, happy, thriving, and loves to give wet sloppy kisses. That's my Parker.

I have to say- we are trying now to look at this as a blessing in disguise. Due to some of the other issues we were having with his daycare, we really do feel that it is best that he is not there anymore. Who knows, maybe Parker was really unhappy there also, and it was his way of "lashing out." We will never know the whole story or have the answers we want. The bottom line is, it happened. We are currently in the process of looking for a new daycare for him. I am taking my time this time and not going to settle until I get him in somewhere that we are all more comfortable with. We have visited several places, and are on some waiting lists, so please keep your fingers crossed that we find something good. (So far every place says that they will let him have his paci when he naps, which I am happy about) Thank the lord that my mom is feeling so much better, and is able to help watch Parker. I do not konw what we would do without her right now. We are also really blessed that Anthony and I have flexible enough jobs that we can be with Parker on days that my mom can not do it. Between me, anthony and my mom, Parker is being well taken care of until we can find a new place for him.

Well, this has been the longest thing that I have written in a LONG time. I have to say, it is quite therapeutic writing about it and getting it off my chest. I hope I have not put anyone to sleep :) So, that is the story of how the month of October ended!!! Let's hope and pray that the rest of the year is a little less eventful. Thanks for listening (or reading) and thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Love,
Stacey

The zoo, the farm, the monkey business

I have to say that we had a very exciting, fun-filled month this October. We got to do several fun "fall activites" as a family that we all enjoyed very much! We took Parker to the zoo early in the month for the 1st time, and he LOVED it! We ended up being there for about 3 hours, and he did great the whole time. He especially loved the elephants, the monkeys and the birds! We had such a good time, that we ended up buying a membership, so I guess we'll become regular's there! We also went to Gentry's Farm with Paw Paw and Grammy K to pick out our pumpkins and have some fun. Parker had fun running around like a mad man, doing little activities, going on a hayride, and picking out the pumpkin! Finally, it was time to put him in the monkey costume and head to our next activity. We went to a Halloween festival with Giggie, Poppy and his cousins. They had a great time going around to the different tables, and dancing to the music. On Halloween night we had a little Halloween party with both sides of our family. Everyone enjoyed some food, fun and trick-or-treating! The kids had a great time- and so did the adults :) It was cute to see Parker this year a little more "into it." I know he still does not totally understand, but he still had a good time loading up his bag with candy that eventually everyone else ate :) Here are a few pictures from all of the events! Enjoy.
1st trip to the zoo








A day at Gentry's Farm




I dont know why this picture is so small, but it's basically just Parker looking at the animals!



With PawPaw and Grammy K




The fam at the farm




Our little monkey on Halloween- he's always up to some monkey business, so it was pretty appropriate!





With his cousins Hannah the scary Vampire, and Ethan the pumpkin!




With Giggie and Poppy at the Halloween festival